Dear friends,
I have discovered something today that I think is profound. At least it is profound for me. I am broken. I know it is a shocker. For many of you I’m sure you could have told me this a long time ago however it has taken a long time for me to figure this out.
I’m broken, I don’t know what perfect is or if what I do is the right thing. All I know is that I keep trying. I keep pressing on to try and figure out what this life is suppose to look like. It is an odd feeling to admit that I may not know what I’m doing. To know that what I have thought is right and good really is just another way for me to hide my sin. To hide my true identity, really a place for me to be good. Looking back I can see how many mistakes I have made. Mistakes that at the time I thought were the right things.
I remember when I was just starting college I had an opportunity to allow a family who deeply cared about me and supported me to show their support but I allowed my own pride and self-righteous attitude get in the way of seeing their deep love and care for me. It almost cost me a friendship over it. And yet I remember feeling so strongly that I was right and they were wrong. I wish I could take that back.
I once felt so arrogant that I knew how to care for a student in crisis that I just ran over their deep feelings. As a result they didn’t trust that I cared or listened to them, the end product was a family that became torn apart. All of this happened because I knew what was right, I was right.
I have made so many decisions that have impacted hundreds of people and I find myself wondering how many of those decisions were right, I wonder if I really have helped or if I have just added to their confusion and frustration.
Here is the reality, I have made wrong decisions, I have done these things and will probably do things wrong in the future. Doesn’t sound very comforting, except for the reality that it really isn’t about me at all. If it was about me then I think we are all screwed. It is about God’s Kingdom and how I am just along for the ride. If I truly believe that I am in the process of being restored to what God designed from the beginning then I have to accept the fact that I am flawed, that I am broken. I don’t always know the right answers or have the best ideas and to even think that way is so arrogant no wonder I fail. I can say that without the experiences that I have had over the years I could not have done half of the things I have done this year. I would not be where I am today in my relationship with God. I would not be in the place that I am, I would not feel God the way I feel Him right now. There is no possible way that I could have learned this without going through the pain, the mistakes, the failures. But, I tend to forget that, I tend to not allow myself the reality that I will fall, and the result is a false life, a life full of expectation that I just can’t live up to. Throw in the guilt and shame that comes from not living up to those standards and you have a depressed and ineffective person.
Here is the good news, I am growing. I am learning from where God has brought me and I truly feel like I am starting to figure it out. Unfortunately it is still a process and while I have put a lot of the pieces together I still don’t have them all yet. The result is that I will continue to screw some things up from time to time. I will make decisions that are going to cause others pain. I recognize that there may be some relationships that I won’t be able to restore because the frustration or pain runs to deep. I want to apologize to those of you who feel that frustration, I wish that I could take it away or do something to make it better. All I can do is continue to move forward, continue to press into Jesus and ask for your patience. Hopefully you feel some of what I’m going through and will journey with me. It will be messy, it will be hard, it will be amazing…
Brian
PS. Read the comments, I think Mike brings up a great point and hopefully my response below helps to clarify a bit about the difference between self loathing and compassion.
sounds tough heath, all i can say is, i really have to disagree that your a broken person. thats apart of the christian doctrine that i could just never get into. your not a bad person, you shouldnt have to feel guilty all the time. your a good person dude. you may have not realized it but you were a huge father figure to me in high school. the things you taught me really helped me to find alot of happiness and good things in life. so i gotta say, i really think that the christian guilt mindset is an aweful thing. i see it like haunt the most ardent christians, its like their faith in god just sucks the joy out of their life cuz they have to second guess their every action, and there always looking to root out “the evil” inside them. its terrible. i dont like the process, cuz from what i can see, people dont become better for it. they just become more miserable, when honest to god they shouldnt be. please dont think your a bad person. your one of the best people i know. please let go of that mentality. it’s just not right dude, i’m not gonna try to tell you whats right or wrong with this cuz i look up to you and the things you believe. but the guilt is an aweful thing and its just not right. you shouldnt have to self impose a cross on yourself that your not meant to carry.
By: mike on January 16, 2009
at 3:28 pm
Mike, thanks for the comments and the encouraging words. However, I didn’t write this post as a way of trying to say that I suck. I wrote this post to let those who look at my life and think that I either should always know the right thing to do or that when I make a mistake that it isn’t because I’m not a good leader or that I don’t care. How often do we judge peoples actions based on our ideals of what right is verses trying to understand the person or the reason behind why they responded the way that they responded. We are much quicker to shout from the rooftops that someone sucks or screwed up because it somehow makes us feel better, and helps take the responsibility off ourselves. How much different would it be if someone offended you and rather than you reacting to that you actually confronted that person and worked through the issue. How much do we really ever listen to people, try and hear the emotion or the feeling behind the why of what they do, and how often do we express compassion? I don’t think it is very often I think instead we react, we get hurt and rather than work through it with them we cut them off or tell them that they suck and aren’t worth anything. If our worth was defined by our action I think we would all struggle with our identity. It is a good thing that it isn’t, right. I think I left that part out of the post but I think it is a huge part of understanding reality. The result becomes less about me needing to do the right things, to act a certain way but is more about me continuing to grow and learn and develop as I try and figure out what life looks like. This perspective has freed me from feeling guilty and shame (it doesn’t take away some of the consequences of our actions, rather or perspective). Again your words ring so true and we do need to stop allowing ourselves to be beat up by each other and the perception that we are less than, hopefully we will continue to grow and continue to learn how to truly be in relationship with each other so that we can experience the life that God has intended for us from the beginning.
Thanks Mike
By: Brian on January 16, 2009
at 4:00 pm
Brian I wish I read your blog more. You have such good insight and with posts like this you can be so….. open and vulnerable. We are all broken, I suffer from the same issue of pride and occasionally God has to show me my fault and that I make huge mistakes. The good news is exactly like you say, it’s a process. No matter what choices I make God can use it for the overall good of his kingdom. God loves each and every one of us so much and hates seeing us hurt and broken, he wants to care for us and will if we let him. Sometimes though we have such an ego, such pride, that we can’t let him in. Keep up the searching. Never stop seeking God. I hope I can join you in your journey and seek God and wholeness too.
By: Spencer Carson on January 16, 2009
at 5:29 pm