So, I have been doing a lot of thinking this new year about new year resolutions. I know every year I think about the things in my life that I would like to change, make different. So, I create a list. Most of the time it is mental, but it is a list none the less. This list is made up of all the ideas I have about life and the habits that I have created that I would like to change. Soon the list feels overwhelming, there are a lot of flaws that I can find about myself. So, I usually end up narrowing the list down to a couple of goals that I can work on. I convince myself that if I limit myself to one or two goals that I will be more likely to complete them. Of course the inevitable happens, and whether it was after a few weeks or several months I find myself right back where I was in the beginning. So this is where my questions lies, why is it that most of our new year resolutions, even the ones with the most noble intent, fail? I would love to hear your thoughts. I will be sharing my one in a later post and after I have a bit more time to process. To be continued…

I have a new phone that allows me to make posts from the phone so I decided to test it out. If it works you will probably see more frequent posts.

*Disclaimer: This isn’t directed at anyone in particular, just feeling this after some life observations.  Hopefully it spurs on some thought.  I also have to be honest and I was too lazy to go back and edit so this isn’t the most well written piece but who cares this is for me more than for fame, and to be honest I’m not really that concerned about it.  Enjoy!

Life is messy, it is the reality of our broken existence.  It wasn’t intended to be this way.  It was never the design of God for us to have to experience the suffering, pain, and devastation that we experience.  God’s desire was for us to walk along side Him, to experience all that His creation is including experiencing relationship with Him and others.  For us to truly experience this life there had to be a choice.  The result of that choice has forever changed or ability to experience the life that God intended for us.  But, this isn’t God’s fault it is ours.

When will we realize that God is the one who is longing for us to be restored, to be made new.  His desire is to see us experience the life that we were suppose to have to be restored to His original purpose.  He isn’t the one who is causing all of the problems of this world.  He isn’t the one who is allowing so much destruction, He isn’t the one responsible for our problems, we are!

We are to blame, we are the reason this world is broken, the question is what are we going to do about it.  We can sit back and make all kinds of excuses for why it isn’t our fault.  We can blame our parents, we can say that it is because we didn’t have enough support, we are good at passing on responsibility.  In fact we have mastered the art of blame.  So as soon as things get hard, as soon as we start to feel pain or feel like we are wronged we look for something to blame and usually it ends up being God.  We turn our backs on the one who is right, the one who can restore us, who can save us.  And we run to excuses to find reasons for why we exist on this planet, we justify our feelings and thoughts and claim that God is just a crutch.  We reject God because we don’t want to deal with what really is the issue.

It is us that is the issue.  It is our sin, our brokenness that keeps us from experience life, from experiencing God.  We claim that we can’t see God or can’t experience Him and say things like, “if only I could feel His presence.” or “I just don’t by into God because there isn’t enough proof.”  It isn’t that we need more proof, I think you could have Jesus staring you in the face and that still wouldn’t be enough proof.  Because while you claim to love God, to have a relationship with Him, you turn around and slap Him in the face.  Your life reflects your heart.  If you can’t see that claiming to desire God and at the same time having an unwillingness to deal with your sin is what is keeping you from God then you will never get it.

It is time to get real, to drop the bullshit and be honest about who we are.  To admit that we don’t have everything figured out and start to recognize that until we deal with what is deep inside our hearts we won’t get anywhere.  We need to understand who we really are so that we can experience God.  We need to let go of all the fake reasoning and appearances and get to the mess that lives inside all of us.  I never understood this until just a few years ago.  I had always done what I thought to be the right things.  I wanted nothing more than to have people tell me that I am wonderful and good.  I put up a front before God and everyone else hoping that I wouldn’t be found out.  So, I lived this life in the shadows of my soul that I didn’t want anyone to see.  Until I came to a point and realized that I just couldn’t do it anymore, I needed something more, I needed to experience God and I don’t think I ever had truly experienced Him before then.  As I unpacked this false self, this sin that was deep in my soul, it was painful.  I don’t think I have experienced pain as deep before, it effected everyone around me, but I began to see a change, I began to see as I truly dealt with the mess glimpses of life, and soon those glimpses turned into a deep hope and longing for more.  Life is messy, we still live with our own brokenness and even when we start to figure things out we live in a fallen world that is messy, there are going to be times when we feel hurt or abandoned, when we feel guilt and shame, and we will look to blame someone or something.  I wonder if instead of looking to blame someone we should be looking at ourselves.